Pants on Fire Read online

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  Copyright

  HarperCollinsChildren’sBooks

  an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  The HarperCollinsChildren’sBooks website address is www.harpercollins.co.uk

  First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsChildren’sBooks in 2004

  Text copyright © Victoria Lloyd 2004

  Illustrations copyright © Scott Walker 2004

  The Victoria Lloyd and illustrator assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication.

  Source ISBN: 9780007155255

  Ebook Edition © February 2016 ISBN: 9780008191610

  Version: 2016-03-17

  To Mum and Dad

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  About the Publisher

  Chapter One

  Tony Trebelli was the biggest liar ever. He lied to his parents. He lied to the teachers. He lied to all the other kids. If you asked Tony Trebelli what his name was, he would tell you it was Steve. If you asked him to point upwards, he would point down. And if you asked him what colour his underpants were, he’d tell you they were black.

  Now, everyone knew for a fact that Tony only ever wore ordinary white pants. Everyone had seen Tony Trebelli’s plain white pants. He lived next door to the school, and they were out there every day on the washing line, blowing in the wind.

  Tony Trebelli’s pants were the kind that come in sensibly-sized packets of eight, bought from a very sensible shop. There was no funny business with pants like those. There was no funny business with pants at all, until someone sent Tony a special pair.

  The new pants were not plain or white. They were bright yellow with shiny black spots. They didn’t come from a sensible shop either. Tony’s new pants had a handwritten label on them, which said Truly Pants Design: Lovely Leopard.

  Tony was very proud of his new pants – so proud, he took them to school and showed them round.

  “My great-gran made them for me,” he said.

  “They look like designer pants,” said Narinder.

  “Don’t you know, my great-gran is the most famous pants-designer in the world,” Tony said. “You must have heard of Calvina Klein?”

  Everyone was convinced. Well, they were very nice pants.

  “I’m going to wear them tomorrow,” Tony said. “In fact, I’m never going to wear ordinary pants again.”

  Chapter Two

  The next day, Tony wore his Lovely Leopard pants to school. He made sure everyone knew he was wearing them. Not only did he tell anyone he could persuade to stand still for five seconds about his designer pants, he was even wearing extra baggy trousers, so that the top of his pants gleamed over the waistband.

  All the children crowded round Tony Trebelli, trying to get a better look at his new underwear.

  “Nice pants, Trebelli!” shouted Joe Buxton.

  “Will your great-gran make me a pair?” asked Adam Yates.

  Tony was the centre of attention, and he was loving it. “Get your orders in now, man,” he said. “These pants are HOT!”

  Suddenly the crowd went silent. All the kids who had been crowding round Tony Trebelli, fell back. Mrs McMahon had come out of the staff room to see what all the fuss was about. Mrs McMahon was no taller than the tallest boy in Year Six, but she was the loudest, angriest, scariest teacher of all.

  “Tony Trebelli,” shouted Mrs McMahon. “Put your pants away and tuck your shirt in. You are putting me off my tea and biscuits.” “I can’t, Miss,” Tony said. “The doctor says I mustn’t. He thinks I might have a fatal disease that needs me to get air to my skin.”

  Every eye in the playground was fixed on those pants. They glinted in the sun.

  “Until your doctor writes me a note explaining why you need to expose your underwear, you will tuck your shirt in!” Mrs McMahon said.

  “But he already wrote a note, Miss,” Tony said. “You read it last week.”

  The whole class gasped. It was such a big lie. How was Tony going to get away with it?

  Then something strange happened to Tony’s pants. Sparks seemed to be shooting off them.

  Mrs McMahon’s eyes glazed over. She looked pretty vacant. “Yes,” she said. “I remember now. Please don’t tuck in your shirt, Tony.” Then she was back to normal, as if nothing had happened.

  All the children were staring at Tony’s pants. They looked like ordinary, innocent pants. But those pants had just hypnotised Mrs McMahon!

  “Move along,” Mrs McMahon barked. “Haven’t you all got classrooms to go to?” And off she went, swigging her tea and munching on a biscuit as if nothing had happened.

  “Cool pants!” Adam said. “Can I borrow them?”

  But nothing was going to separate Tony Trebelli from his pants now.

  Chapter Three

  Tony’s teacher was Miss Miller. She was the nicest teacher in the school. She didn’t mind if her pupils were late. She didn’t mind if they talked during the lessons. She didn’t even notice that Tony Trebelli was showing off his pants. Even if she had, she wouldn’t have minded … until the trouble started.

  “Homework, everybody,” Miss Miller called. “Please come up and put it on my desk.”

  One by one, all the children in 5M trailed up to the front and left their homework in a neat pile. All except Tony Trebelli. He stayed right in his chair.

  “Tony, haven’t you done your homework?” Miss Miller asked.

  “No …” said Tony.

  “But, why not?” asked Miss Miller.

  “I couldn’t,” Tony said.

  “And why not?” asked Miss Miller. She was turning a little pink. Even Miss Mille
r ran out of patience sometimes.

  “I’m allergic to paper,” Tony said. “I tried to do my homework, but my eyes ran so much that all my sums were washed away.”

  Miss Miller didn’t look too impressed.

  “You’re allergic to paper?” she asked.

  “Yes,” Tony said. “I tried to write the answers on banana skins, but it just didn’t work.”

  The whole class gasped. Even Miss Miller wouldn’t let Tony get away with such a whopping lie. Would she?

  Sparks began to shoot off Tony’s pants. There was a faint smell of burning. Tony wriggled in his chair.

  Miss Miller’s eyes glazed over. She ran to Tony and hugged him.

  “You poor child,” she cried. “We must do something to help you. I’ll phone the Department of Education immediately. Don’t worry! We’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you never have to use paper again.”

  And off she ran, with tears in her eyes.

  The whole class whooped with joy.

  “Wicked pants!” Joe cried. “I’ve got to get some!”

  But Tony was very quiet. Smoke was spiralling out of his trousers, and he was fanning his bottom with a book.

  “You are so lucky!” Narinder said.

  “Yeah,” said Tony, not quite so sure any more.

  Chapter Four

  By the time Miss Miller came back to the classroom, Tony’s pants had stopped smoking.

  “The Department of Education recommends that we abandon all lessons involving paper, and concentrate on non-written work, until a cure for poor Tony’s allergy can be found,” she said.

  “You mean no more lessons?” Joe Buxton translated.

  “Exactly!” Miss Miller cried. “Into your PE kits everybody! Let’s go outside.”

  By now Tony Trebelli was the class hero. But he didn’t seem very happy. “I haven’t got my PE kit, Miss,” he said.

  “Just wear your pants, Tony,” Miss Miller said. “And I’ll get you a spare T-shirt from the cupboard.”

  Tony hovered at the back of the class. Everyone had stared at him when he took his trousers off. They had all wanted a better look at those magical pants. They were looking a little burned around the edges – but nobody cared. They were still the best pants anyone had ever seen.

  “Ten times round the field, and back to me everyone,” Miss Miller shouted.

  Off went Class 5M. Well, most of them.

  Tony was having trouble with his pants. They didn’t seem to be staying up too well. The elastic had broken, and Tony had to hold them up with both hands as he tried to run round the field.

  “Are you all right, Tony?” called Miss Miller.

  “Yes, Miss,” Tony called through gritted teeth.

  The pants went into overdrive. Smoke poured out of them. Tony howled. A small flame was creeping up over his bottom. Tony ran round the course in record speed.

  “Tony Trebelli!” Miss Miller exclaimed.

  “That must be the fastest time anyone has ever run round this field!”

  “I don’t think so,” Tony yelled, as he whizzed round the field again.

  No sooner had he said the words than he howled again, but this time much louder. There was no doubt about it. Those pants were on fire!

  “Tony Trebelli, are your pants on fire?” Miss Miller yelled, and she ran after him.

  “No, Miss!” Tony yelled desperately. He howled again, and shot behind a tree.

  The rest of the class ran after him. When they got to the tree, Tony was looking sheepish. The pants were on the ground in front of him.

  “Miss Miller,” Narinder said in her most shocked voice. “Tony Trebelli’s taken his pants off.”

  “No I haven’t,” Tony said frantically.

  The pants were smouldering. Sparks flew off them.

  Miss Miller looked horrified. “Have you set fire to your underpants?” she asked.

  “No, Miss,” Tony said, looking anxiously at his pants.

  Flames spread all over the pants. The Lovely Leopard design was black all over now. But the pants weren’t finished yet.

  “Tony Trebelli,” said Miss Miller. “Tell me the truth. Are those burning pants yours?”

  “Of course not, Miss Miller,” Tony said. “I’m wearing my pants.”

  The pants blazed brightly. Miss Miller’s eyes glazed over.

  “Well, of course you are!” she said. “Now come out from behind that tree, and finish running round the field.”

  Chapter Five

  Tony shuffled out from behind the tree, using two branches to cover himself. Miss Miller didn’t seem to notice he was pant-less. He started to jog around the field miserably.

  Someone giggled.

  “Miss Miller,” Narinder said. “Tony Trebelli is running round the field with no pants on.”

  Tony looked as if he’d like to cry. Class 5M could see why. The pants were following him round the field.

  Tony wailed in horror. The pants were closing in. “Help!” he called, and broke into a faster run.

  The pants speeded up too.

  “Argh!” Tony yelped. He threw one of his branches at the pants, but they hardly slowed down. Those pants wanted to be worn!

  Tony threw the other branch in desperation.

  Nothing happened. The pants were still hot on his tail, and now everyone could see his pink bottom as he bounced round the field.

  “Somebody help me please!” Tony called out anxiously. “Those pants are out to get me. They keep burning me every time I speak!”

  “Leave this to us,” Joe Buxton shouted. He raced after Tony Trebelli, with Adam Yates right behind him.

  The other children paused for a split second. Then they followed: round the field, up the drive and into the playground.

  “Class 5M, where are you going?” called Miss Miller. “Narinder …? Come back!”

  No one listened. They wanted to see what happened with the pants.

  Chapter Six

  When everyone caught up with Tony, the pants had him cornered. He was standing flat against the playground wall, trying to hide as much as possible.

  The pants looked menacing. They were totally black now, and had holes all over.

  “Those pants burn if you tell lies,” Adam said. He was the cleverest boy in the class. He could work these things out.

  “Exactly,” said Joe. He was almost as clever as Adam, and he didn’t want to be left out. “So all you have to do is tell some more lies,” Joe said. “Then the pants will burn away completely.”

  Tony Trebelli whimpered. “No way am I telling any more lies,” he said.

  “Those pants have got it in for me.”

  “OK. Everybody … lie!” Adam said. “Confuse the pants!”

  Joe looked at Adam crossly. “Shut up Adam Yates,” he said. “I’m just as clever as you are.”

  The pants turned on Joe. Sparks were flying off the waistband.

  “It’s working!” Adam cried excitedly. “Quick, more lies, let’s get those pants!”

  “The capital of Norway is Birmingham City,” Narinder shouted.

  “I like sprouts!” called Adam.

  “I wasn’t lying, I am as clever as Adam,” Joe shouted.

  The pants didn’t know which way to turn. They were sizzling. Thick black smoke poured off them. Flames licked at the last of the Truly Pants Design label.

  “I am never going to tell another lie again!” Tony Trebelli cried.

  That was the last straw for the pants. They blazed brightly for a second, and then all that was left of them was a small pile of smoking ash.

  Chapter Seven

  Miss Miller caught up with Class 5M just in time to see the pants disappear.

  She looked at everyone. She looked at the pile of ash on the ground. She looked at Tony Trebelli, standing in the playground, naked from the waist down.

  “What is going on?” she asked.

  “My pants caught fire, because I told too many lies,” Tony said.

  “I’ve
never heard anything so ridiculous in my life!” Miss Miller said. “If you don’t stop telling those ridiculous lies, Tony Trebelli, you are heading for trouble. And what are you all doing in the playground? We don’t have PE on Tuesdays. Back to the classroom – now!”

  Miss Miller took off her cardigan and wrapped it round Tony. Class 5M trooped back to the classroom.

  “Am I in trouble, Miss?” Tony asked.

  Miss Miller thought for a while. It had been a very strange day.

  “You’re not going to make things up any more are you, Tony?” she asked.

  “No way,” said Tony. “My great-gran said she’d get me a new pair of trainers if I’m good. I’ll need some proper kit for my tryout with the England team next week, won’t I, Miss?”

  About the Publisher

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  HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

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  Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia